Slim as hell in the mirror

Thursday's technically over, but here:

Disclaimer: I am not a nerd.

Vampires have decided to don their reflective light suits and saunter into the media limelight. This notion of a nocturnal necksucker has been prelevant and kinda scary since the Romanians and Greeks dropped mythical knowledge, and was brought unto us westerners in 1819 with John Polidori's The Vampyre. But it wasn't until 1897, when Bram Stoker decided to exaggerate the horrible Vlad the Impaler's image in Dracula, that the vampire we know today came into being. F.W. Murnau's Nosferatu brought that perception to the cinema, and Gramps Vamp planted a seed that spread its roots surreptitiously (per Buffy, who slayed mad vamps of all shapes and sizes during the years of otherwise clandestine vampire activity) and survived off pimply adolescents, introverted fanboys, and creepy basement dwellers, but has, in the past few years (and, in the world of cinema and TV, in the past few months) exploded onto the scene (it has even enticed a wizard: the late Cedric Diggory).

There tend to be obscure flavors of the week for movies (like how volcanoes became cool in 1997 with the cleverly named Volcano and Dante's Peak premiering a mere 2 months from each other. And then again when somebody said "Yo, I got it: Magicians." in 2006 with The Prestige, and The Illusionist), but this Undead phenomenon has authors and television execs alike trading Teen Wolf's basketball skill and crazy hops for pubescent sex appeal (which, in the case of the Twilight trilogy, is augmented by The Jonas Brothers Effect*) and making bank because of it.

Initially, when I first heard the plot of Twilight, I thought it pretty ludicrous that vampires were being portrayed as sexy; but after further consideration, I realized that vampires have always been pretty sadistically seductive with the neck sucking, the nightly prowls, and the china white skin. So, I guess, these different representations of Dracula today are just modern interpretations of an age old tale, but what's with their integration into society, y'all? And what's with them all having different weaknesses? I want one Dracula, and I want him the same as he was: a garlic hating, wood stake fearing, reflectionless, nocturnal creature; after that's set, you can get Barbie on his wardrobe and looks: clad him in denim and make him a sex symbol, turn him purple, make him a dwarf, make him fucking Chris Farley, but do not grant him immunity from his natural weaknesses!

Also, peep Let The Right One In. It's a Swedish vampire movie about 12 year old Oskar: a pasty, emaciated, and pathetic white blonde boy (who looks like a girl). He gets picked on by kids at school and dreams of fighting them but never can muster up the strength or courage to do so. Enter Eli: a cute girl who moves in next door to Oskar and stands on swingsets 'n shit to watch him take knives to trees. I'm not going to give it away, but, she's a vampire, and hilarity, awkwardness, and bloodshed ensue.


*My theory, Copyright pending, that publicized celibacy or the notion of being unattainable to all serves to further heighten the original desire.